I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
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TODAY
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross