I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
You Might Also Like
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Pass gas, not judgment.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Smells like a challenge to me
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.