Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”

ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*

ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

My brain at 6am: I’m tired.

My brain at 9am: I’m tired.

My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.

My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

My boss: Do you have Twitter?

Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.

Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John:

Disciples:

John: he’s right behind me isn’t he

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO