I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
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Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Meowchelangelo
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
pony: is this your card?
me: yes! cool trick!
pony: thanks
me: can you do any others?
pony: *sighs* no
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you