Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”

Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?

Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.

Wife: Yep

my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser