I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
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So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this