I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
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Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Anime is real
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
🌱🌱🌱
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101