I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
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Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you