I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
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It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard