I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
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michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*