Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here

me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

learning about math 🧐 📝

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:

1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.

Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”

Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”