Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

If we’ve learned anything from history…

I’d be amazed.

teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?

Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.

My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.

Hub: Still mad?

Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill

H: To fetch a pail of water

M: Jack fell down & died a violent death

Hub: Ok, still mad

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?