I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
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23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can happen, will happen.
Kellogg’s Law: When pouring milk into your cereal you will always hit the one flake that makes it shoot across the table.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]