Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

*mops up wine with cat*

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

“Is it in yet???”

-My ATM, mocking me.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.