I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
You Might Also Like
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
In case you needed to hear it:
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.