I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
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Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband