Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”

I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get

me: what do you mean

[2 hard lemonades later]

me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.

There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much

I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie