I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
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Oh hi lol
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
All right then, keep your secrets
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark