I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
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woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
The three genders
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
some cats are just doing for fun!
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*