Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”

If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.

God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?

Lion: yes.

God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?

Lion: no why?

[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]

God: I guess I’ll delete them then.

Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!

I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.

I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

I just helped a 94 year old dude figure out how to use his card at the gas pump. First off my dawg we need to get you off the road

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.

Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.

-me getting pulled over

ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you

LION: I just have one of those familiar faces

ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with