I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
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wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Sorry not sorry.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
asking santa clause for nudes
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.