Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you recording!?”

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”

Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

Adopt your boss.

They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.

Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done