Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.

Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

*Me at a fitness consult

Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.

What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions

[first day of creation]

GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…

It’s called Wordle”

My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.