Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

I’ll never salute you, General Settings

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

File under excellent bookstore names.

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in

I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!

Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.

The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.

His funeral will take plac

Catercrombie & Fish

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”