I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
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Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*