I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
me adding lol on a serious message
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
subtitles are so good nowadays
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Me trying to walk in a dream
sounds kinky. i’m in.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?