I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.