I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
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Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
And bowling should be called pinball
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
dark side of the loom
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
thats my bad
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.