I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
You Might Also Like
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Just me and my debit card against the world
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
handsome & gretel