Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]:

Me: This milk tastes funny

Lactating clown: Thank you

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.

At noon, we ride.*

*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.

[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”

Mosquitoes:

Noah: *eyes narrow*

Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?

Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.