Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature

5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

you (uncultured): Ok.

me (cultured): Othousand.

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!