I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
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I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.