I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
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One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Trying
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
I think we should hear other voices.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke