I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
You Might Also Like
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
sure, why not
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
✌🏽
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
Hoping to spice up my evening
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.