I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
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I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Worst bar ever.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.