Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bond. Trauma bond.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.

If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.

Somebody’s lying.

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]

I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

I send people away….far…far…away (I’m a travel agent)

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.

Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.

Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?