Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do

kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them

7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?

Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

The real reason evolution started..😂

marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’

I was that kid’s first beard

LMAO

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.

The truth will set you free.*

*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips