I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
You Might Also Like
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
and now we wait
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich