Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*

Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.

“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house

Her: great, you can teach him to drive

Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”