I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
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My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Wikigenius
Selfie
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
God tier horse name today on the sims
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.