I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
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I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
this is the best interaction on twitter
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
when dads have a rap battle
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut