I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
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forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
🥴😂
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED