I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
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The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Choose your fighter
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
