I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
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If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
The secret to fishing is on the first day you find the biggest fish you can and punch it in the face
My friends are like “don’t settle!” But I can see their husbands
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
bought wrong eggs
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.