Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.

Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

This is a post about animal excrement and the English language.

bull$#!% = nonsense/lies
chicken$#!% = petty or cowardly
horse$#!% = nonsense/lies
dog$#!%= low quality
ape$#!% = wild
bat$#!%= crazy

Ordered above from oldest to newest: bull$#!% (1914), bat$#!% (1971).

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea