I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
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Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.