I refer to one of my neighbors as the “older lady on the end,” but it turns out she’s like my age.
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i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer