I refrain from jogging in the morning because according to Law & Order: SVU there is a 95% chance you’ll find a dead body

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Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.


A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.


My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.


The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.


When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.


i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking


H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same


“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?


Live today like it’s your last.

But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.


An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.