@RobertDuffy91

I refrain from jogging in the morning because according to Law & Order: SVU there is a 95% chance you’ll find a dead body

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@DranoRaul

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

@HiddleDeeDee

A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.

@bylinetd

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

@BoomBoomBetty

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

@Shade510

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

@soyourelikethat

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

@3sunzzz

H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.

M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same

@DanMentos

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

@heatherlarson77

Live today like it’s your last.

But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn’t.

@mrtruthandsoul

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.