Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
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DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date