I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
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I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
me logging onto twitter
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
How it started: How it’s going:
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
