I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
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Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Lube but for my dry humor.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
This is amazing.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one