I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
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date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.