I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
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[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
My husband can remember the college a football player went to, what year he was drafted, the number he was picked in the draft, and his height, but can’t remember a certain neighbor’s name no matter how many times I tell him it.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
I put the mess in domestic.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”