Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.

Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.

Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.

I did not eat the cake…

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”

Me: “Why?”

Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”

big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing

financial freedom is alive and well

If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile

The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.

[class trip]

I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm

DO U HAVE COWS?

Yes, it’s a dairy farm

DO U HAVE WHALES?

Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.

Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.

“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed

Me: lets go get a drink!

Friend: what’s the occasion?

Me: …

Friend: …

Me: I don’t understand the question.

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.