Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always

The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.

*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*

Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

been watching all the James Bond movies in chronological order

it’s truly incredible how many times the fate of the entire world rests on James Bond’s ability to travel to a scenic destination and have sex with a beautiful woman

Ok cat haters, explain this…

My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice

We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.

Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.

Waking up a teen for school:

1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!

Teen: Why are you yelling?

how long have you had this for?

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”

Dyslexics are teople poo!

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out