Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

i have never been so disappointed in all of my life

My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

soldier: is that a picture of your love?

me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah

“age is just a number” yeah the older i get the number i feel

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole

Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.

Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.

Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.

New Year, New Me

New Me [looking around]: absolutely not