I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
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Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember