Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breakfast in bed.

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress

Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.

911 what’s the emergency

“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”

Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*

Chicago sounds lovely.

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie

Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this

wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how

I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own