Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”

[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

Her: I’m an only child

Me: There are literally billions of children

You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.

DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team