Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

Saw your ex at the shops

My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING

If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]

Him: How old is your child?

Me: Child?

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.

Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.