I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
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Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Smallpox sounds so adorable
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING