Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Relationship status:

Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

Wooden Horsie 🐴

Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”

~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.

Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed