Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.

Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.

Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.

Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.

Wife: I know. It’s awful.

Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…

Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.

dentist: open up

me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-

dentist: i meant your mouth

hygienist: wait let him finish Glen

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”