Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

Lmaoo 😂

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

[being murdered]

Mailman: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.

My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”