Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.

My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?

7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten

Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

Why is my purse so heavy?

*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”