Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️

“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?

My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

Wife: So you write tweets about us?

Me: Sometimes

Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?

Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does

Me: Stay out of this, The Rock

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

mariah carrie

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD