I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
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You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out