Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist

I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.

I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

the way this pissed me off… 😭

*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

Brains are sexy

Wish everyone had one

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”