I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
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Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Went to P-T conferences yesterday and my 9yo was a hit with her teachers. She’s sweet, kind and hardworking. They even said “Great job mom and dad”.
This is the same 9yo who I once told to stop being loud, so she spitefully told Alexa to fart 47 times.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
good work, everybody
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Succinctly put.
