Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.

ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

Me: “I’m going to the gym.”

The gym:

Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.

Me: So, they were closed?

Her:

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it

The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

why isn’t thunder called soundning

Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do

my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it

She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.