Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

Kermit goes Blue.

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

“you won’t always have a calculator with you” yes I will. The real test should be whether or not I can finish the quiz without buying anything online

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

Body by sandwich.

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.