I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
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HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Namaste
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
me watching my own Instagram story
pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.