I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
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Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
based
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else