Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

watching old Beatles concerts is so fascinating it’s four guys shaped like suits going plinky plonky lemme love you girlie oh yeah and then it cuts to the audience and there’s a girl having the most intense spiritual experience of her life

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

I have never related to anyone more.

Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?

[being eaten alive by cannibals]

cannibal: is he… joining in?

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

“Waitress!”

Waitress: “Sir?”

“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”