Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂

I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Husband:

*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*

Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

*first date*

Her: I’m a bit of a night owl

Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl

H: Well, aren’t you a hoot

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

[watching Boogie Nights]

age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.

age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?

[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

see next tweet for some translations

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.