I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
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My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
(Gaming support cat.)
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned