I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
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me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Left at a local drug store…
screw you
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.